Never Again

" Kung ok ba tayo, ok na rin ba lahat?"

Everything's through the moment you turned your back from me. It was a conscious effort to forget you in every possible way I can. I won't be calling you anymore until the wee hours and talk about you and me. I should have known, there was never any you or me or us. I would stop talking about all my plans and aspirations as I dreamily associate you into all of them. Had I known?, I would not have wasted my time imagining and babbling. I won't be looking forward for the summer breaks and cause you too much trouble to go back home and indulge into nothing else but silly,non- sense thrill of a love-sick guy. I have no intension of pestering your life anymore. I wouldn't care less.

I knew it was coming. You were slowly slipping away from me and I was also loosing my grip. But you knew how much I sacrificed for this. You knew damn well how worse I have become to salvage what we had from bad fate. It scared the hell out of me. You had your choice. You had the alternative as opposed to something not giving you what you deserve. I had put so much, too much for what I am capable of doing. Unfortunately for me the work was all from my side. You gave up, that easy. I tried to grasp for my one last luck, it was all thrown into vain. Our ending was bad.

I understood you. For someone who grew up different from mine, it was a feat. You really can't get away from the life you practically grew up with. I, myself could not also. But you had me a whole lot. You twisted my being into a carousel of emotions. You made me feel my worst and slump me into deep shit. I was never mad, to you, to those involved into the evident display of disapproval, to your lifestyle, to the circle your in. Being with you, I have came to accept that I could never change you lest I should bear with it. But things can get so tiring. My ego came into full- burst.

Im trying to live my life a thousand miles away from you. Back to my normal, ordinary routine of normal and ordinary men. Getting on with what life has to offer. For sometime, I was successful keeping my mind away from you. Successful on imposing that nonchalant facade to hide away the hurt you have caused. Everything's good and fine. I kept on, kept on fooling myself.

But fate has unwavering plans. I knew sometime we could be coming across each other. I wasn't ready, not even expecting. You were there, looking the same as if the days hadn't passed. I thought my folks were just joking, trying to fuse with the gist of the holidays. A moment or two I hadn't moved. It was the first formal and plain talk after the fall out. For the longest time I set myself not to be associated with anymore. I didn't answer your calls. I gave up my phone so you would not have any means to contact me. I changed e-mail. I didn't got to meet my folks whom you're close with. I was bitter, hate to admit that. But I knew, time would etch it's way between the two of us. Too bad for me I wasn't been ready after all this time.

You started with an apology. I blankly accepted. Thing is, we didn't get to talk because I don't want to. I have my pride and I want to save it. You see, talking to you would just make me drop off my ideals and make a fool of myself once again. I don't want to speak with you because I'm afraid I could lash out bad things for hurting me a lot. I'm afraid I could hurt you and regret it in the end. Yes, you caused me my feelings but I always do care and I never intended to hurt you in any way. You said sorry, it was overwhelmingly a relief. Good enough to face a new year without bad blood.

"Can we start all over again?", I was taken aback. I didn't expect it could be raise up, much more coming from you. I badly want us again. I'm aching for the days where we could just slump into the grass and watch the nightly spectacle of fireflies. But you knew it will never be the same again. I'm afraid it will be doubly hard this time around and I'm not confident I am capable of sustaining it just like the old days. It wasn't the hurt, it's the thought that we can't come to past the factors around us.

"Kung ok ba tayo, ok na rin ba lahat?" It will never happen. The past years we were tracking different perspectives. Too different we would clash again. Eventually, we would just get tired, back to slipping away and loosing grip.

***

Senti mode na naman ang lolo. Tigilan na kasi, nagmumukha lang gago. Gago na talaga! Kung sino nakakabasa nito, huwag umepal. Sa mga nakakakilala, huwag manadya.

Masyadong sensationalize... !